Question
The concept of “prototypes of love” is discussed in our textbook. The assumption is that all of us, whether formally or informally, have a list of what we are looking for in a mate. Make a list of the 15 most important things you look for in a mate. Once you have completed the list, put a star next to the five characteristics, traits or qualities that you believe are most important. Explain why you identified those five as being the most important qualities in a mate.
Answer
“We may not so much have formal definitions of love as we do prototypes of love (i.e., models of what we mean by love) stored in the backs of our minds” (Strong & Cohen, 2017, p.166). The prototypes of love I have developed have come from both my own relationship experience as well as from my observations of the relationships of various mentors of mine. These mentors include parents, friends, neighbors, religious instructors, siblings, historical figures, and even fictional characters. In this essay I will be discussing the characteristics I think are the most important in choosing a mate as well as how I came to believe they are the most important. In no particular order, the person I eventually marry will have to emulate these fifteen characteristics:
- As religious as I am
- Honest
- Committed/Loyal
- Fun/funny
- Emotionally open
- Good at communication
- Respectful of everyone
- Understanding/empathetic
- Hard working
- Good with kids
- Responsible
- Affectionate
- Confident but humble
- Problem solving/compromising
- Smart/educated
In a lot of ways, these characteristics overlap. I would say that being as religious as I am (in the same religion) would really include most of the other characteristics, as my religion is my drive for the development of good characteristics. My religion emphasizes improvement in all areas of life including educational, spiritual, physical, and mental. However, as I have found by dating people in my religion, for me it isn’t enough to have someone be as spiritual as me. There can still be a large personality conflict.
One characteristic that people are often surprised that I care so much about is being funny. I have found in my previous relationships that it is draining for me to spend a lot of one on one time with someone that does not joke around like I do or has a different sense of humor than I do. Humor is one of my love languages. It is how I connect with people and feel like I am known on a personal level. I want someone that knows what joke I am going to make before I even say it and can make me laugh even when I am upset.
Another characteristic on this list that is particularly important to me is being emotionally open. In order for me to feel close to someone, they have to reciprocate my own openness with my emotions or it will feel one sided in a relationship. This characteristic also brings in honesty as well as skillful communication. I think this is important because I have often seen miscommunication about feelings cause couples to fight. I hate seeing a fight where one person felt like the other was not considering their feelings, especially when they had not communicated their feelings in the first place.
Being responsible is very important to me. I came to this conclusion because of the irresponsible people I have been around. Always making excuses, playing video games constantly, doing poorly in school, and not following through are unattractive features. I could never date, let alone marry, someone that I have to babysit. He needs to be responsible in all the important aspects of life. This includes, but is not limited to, responsibility financially, spiritually, educationally, in time management, in house duties, and in organization.
The fifth trait I would consider to be most important to me is being confident but humble. I want my future spouse to be self-assured, but not self-centered. He should be able to see the good traits in himself as well as in others, recognizing that all he has is given from God. There is nothing less attractive to me than someone that is arrogant. Yet, more commonly, the men in the dating pool of my religion are not confident in themselves. This makes relationships also feel one sided. It is not fun to be around people that tear themselves down or see themselves as not good enough. I have seen issues with low confidence and overconfidence. These often manifest in not making eye contact, getting angry when getting rejected, being afraid of commitment, or having conversations where only one of us is doing all the talking. These are big turn-offs for me and, when taken to an extreme, can be dangerous red flags.
In conclusion, the models of relationships in my life come from my own relationships as well as from the relationships of those I look up to. These have led me to decide that religion, humor, emotional openness, responsibility, and humble confidence should be some of the most important characteristics to me when choosing a spouse.
References
Strong, B., & Cohen, T. F. (2017). The marriage and family experience: Intimate relationships in a changing society (13th ed.). Belmont, CA: Wadsworth.